Post-Nut Clarity: The Hard Truth

By Madeline Perez

 

As you know, here at the Binghamton Review, we abstain from “nutting” and its implications, but with No-Nut November coming up, we thought a related article would be appropriate. So we put in the hard work for you. As a human past the age of 14, chances are you’ve heard of post-nut clarity or maybe even experienced it for yourself. Some of you probably just passed it off as a joke or elaborate prank, but the fact is, any true intellectual is a believer, and a firm one at that. Post-nut clarity is a confuddling phenomenon that has puzzled many for generations. No more will you remain enshrouded in your own ignorance. In an article of perfectly average length, I will go over the scientific intricacies and theories that, honestly, you’ve probably been wondering about. 

 

Post-nut clarity is defined as follows. After nutting, your body is overcome with BBP: Big Brain Power. This enables you to think at the highest level you can possibly function at and then some. It was during these moments that Edison invented the light bulb, Issac Newton invented gravity, and God invented Earth. Post-nut, the brain experiences a sudden drop in horniness. This shifts your priorities, and for a few golden moments, primal urges are stripped away and you find yourself capable of critical thought. Instantaneously, you are made aware of the degeneracy of porn and shortcomings of your own perspective, like a puppet that can see the strings. 

 

All joking aside, while you’re “getting busy”, the lateral orbitofrontal cortex begins to shut down. This is the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, judgments, and decision making. Of course, some part of you probably already knew this. Anyway, after finishing, the lateral orbitofrontal cortex starts up again and as all of your logic and mental processes readjust to normal, it feels like you just tripled your IQ. This is clarity as you know it. 

 

Now, I know what your feeble mind is thinking. “Do women experience this too?” Welp, call me a brain prostitute because I’m about to blow your mind. While this may come off as a shock to many of you, the brain of a woman is quite similar to that of a man. All the processes mentioned above are applicable to both genders. Shocker, really. The only difference would be that because of their lack of a refractory period, women could have the choice to omit the whole “aftermath” by simply, well, going again. This reaffirms the notion of female superiority and truly, it’s only a matter of time before the world accepts this doctrine.

Now, as interesting as post-nut clarity is, I will now elaborate on other post-nut phenomena. If you remember from before, the lateral orbitofrontal cortex shuts off, enabling you to be dummy stupid. This also leads to a decrease in fear and anxiety. During this time, dopamine (everyone’s favorite hormone) is formed in the ventral tegmental area and released into other parts of the brain such as the prefrontal cortex and nucleus accumbens. This process, along with the increase of prolactin and oxytocin secreted by the pituitary gland, leads to the relaxing and satisfactory benefits experienced in the aftermath, or as I like to call it, post-nut peace.

 

You see, during this time, you are manually jumpstarting your sympathetic nervous system. Your heart rate starts to increase, you start to sweat, your pupils dilate, and your digestive system says “hold up.” After nutting, your body begins to reverse this and bring you back to the homeostasis it holds so dear. It does this by activating your parasympathetic nervous system, which, like a pimp to a hysterical whore, demands your body to be cool. This, along with serotonin being chucked at your bloodstream like metaphorical dum dum pops at a Saint Patrick’s Day parade, might make you feel tired and drowsy. This explains why sometimes nutting will knock you out harder than that damned melatonin ever could.

Let’s get one thing straight. Post-nut depression has no biological basis and depends completely on psychological factors. If you have some internalized guilt about “morality,” or if you’re not feeling so good in general, as you come back down from your adrenaline rush you might feel even worse, especially when you find all your problems are still there and your “coping mechanism” just left you back where you started. We’ve all been there. Bad nuts do exist, as I’m sure you all remember that horrifying nightmare-inducing scene from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory starring Johnny Depp where those squirrels throw that girl down a garbage chute. Post-nut amnesia also seems to have no biological basis but I swear to God it’s real guys. Even though I couldn’t find an actual scientific article, there has to be some explanation. Have you ever nut and then forgot the details? There’s no way this doesn’t exist.

Now, go forth into the world with your newfound knowledge. Personally, I forgot to use a private browser and now my search history is marred with orgasm science. Now that Big Pharma has this information I am truly terrified, not only for my safety but for my increasingly personal Instagram advertisements. Oh well. Hopefully, this article has cleared some things up for you, even if you were just asking for a friend from the very beginning.