By Kris Kringle
There are two rules of Christmas: 1. Only nice kids get what they want, and 2. Naughty kids get coal. Typically, these rules never conflict with each other as kids tend to not want coal, but what if they did?
Well, if a child unironically wants coal, he or she is probably some country hick in the middle of bumfuck, nowhere. The kid probably turned out rotten because his broke ass parents only care about coal and crystal meth. So in this case Santa would probably just give him chinese coal so that when his parents see it, they’ll beat the fucking crap out of him lol. This would keep with both rules because he is getting coal, but he doesn’t get what he wants, instead he gets disowned by his family.
But what if the kid wasn’t in the middle of coal country? In this case, Santa would probably make the kid choke on his BBC (Blacklung Because of Coal), by filling his room with enough coal to power a train. This way the kid comes to resent coal, which would put it back into compliance with rule one.
But what if someone was super messed up? Let’s say the guy was either such a huge coal fanatic, or just so hellbent on creating a paradox, then what would Santa do? Instead of making him or her hate coal Santa could try to change the other condition and make the person be nice by sending him his long lost son who was raised as and elf and only recently discovered that he was human (played by Will Ferrell).
But if both of these rules were truly inflexible, then what would Santa do? Well there’s a third rule that I neglected to mention earlier: the kids have to be alive for Santa to give them anything. I’m sure you’ll be able to see where this is going. Moral of the story: if you’re naughty, don’t ask for coal.
And remember, Santa sees you while you’re sleeping and he knows when you’re awake; he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!