By Madeline Perez This Halloween season, I want to talk to you about something frightening. Something horrifying. Something that makes you thrash, screaming “the horror, the horror,” put your face in your hands, and weep. As some of you may have already guessed, I’m talking about women. Honestly, I can’t escape them, as they seem to be drawn to me with the same magnetism that attracts my refrigerator letter magnets to my fridge. Females occupy…
The Sixth Night at Freddy (a parody)
By Scarthur Ole’Sole Ivan The following is the final entry in the journal of Arthur Gothicus Bloodedgeicus Mychemicalromancia Afton, nephew of serial murderer William Afton, who had taken a job as a night-shift security guard at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria after the sudden departure of the previous employee, who had only worked there for five nights… “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Such were the sounds that I had heard upon turning on the phone in the security office. Supposedly, this…
Rest in Piss Colin Powell
By Jacob Weber On October 18, 2021, former Secretary of State Colin Powell passed away due to complications from COVID-19. He was 84 years old. A distinguished general and statesman, media coverage of Powell’s death and legacy has painted an overwhelmingly positive picture of his tenure in the military and government, contrary to all available evidence. In the upper echelons of the US Government, where callousness and inhumanity are job requirements, Powell went above and…
The Monster Down Under
By Julius Apostata I’m sure that we have all heard stories and fairy tales as young kids: perhaps around a campfire or from whispers told in hushed tones. Imaginations of monsters lurking in the woods, hiding amongst the trees waiting for stray children or teens to depart from their group, never to be seen again. However, if you were a really young child, you probably heard of the monster under the bed: the boogeyman that…
Joe Wrote a Creepypasta While Jon was at the Gym
Joe Badalamenti 65 Baxter Drive, the rumored haunted mansion of Harvey Spooker. Some say that he is the spirit of Harvey Stegner’s long-lost brother. Others say that he’s an alien conducting experiments under the guise of a familiar being. Year after year, many would venture into the mansion, only to meet a grim fate… by that I mean death! To my knowledge, I am the only one to have survived the mansion. This is my…
“The Bearcat Prophecies”
By Edward Lamarck All over the world, there are myths and legends of strange beasts lurking in places that science has yet to explore. In the Pacific Northwest, there is Bigfoot. On the Texas border, there is the Chupacabra. West Virginia has the fearsome Mothman, and even upstate New York has the infamous Champlain lake monster. A belief in cryptids is almost as old as mankind’s fear of the dark. That fear is entirely justified. …
How to Have the Safest Halloween possible
By Matt Gagliano BOO! Haha, I got you, didn’t I? Bet you nearly shit your pants on that one. If you did shit your pants, that’s kinda gross, try and have better bowel control in the future. Why don’t you go take a moment to clean up, this article will still be here when you get back. *Stares at watch while repeatedly tapping foot on the floor* All cleaned up? Good. Anyway, I don’t know…
Halloween is a Red Scare
Dream by Barbara Zavala You may think of Halloween as a capitalist holiday. People need to buy costumes, buy candy, and these purchases feed into an endless cycle of consumption. It’s a for-profit holiday just like any other, and if you think you can have ethical consumption, think again. The costumes are cheap plastic material probably made in sweatshops. The candy is produced in low-wage factories, and the chocolate is probably farmed using child labor.…
This Is How We Treat Our Heroes?
By Tommy Gagliano In March and April of 2020, at the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, a ritual began in New York City. Every night at 7 p.m., people would clap, cheer, and bang pots and pans together to salute the healthcare workers battling the virus on the front lines. Less than two years later, many of those same healthcare workers are facing termination because of their personal medical decisions, and popular opinion seems to…
The Loneliness of COVID Cinematography
By Patrick McAuliffe The last year and a half has taken much from us; more specifically, our governments have taken much from us. One trivial aspect of COVID hysteria that won’t leave my addled mind alone since it became apparent to me is how TV shows and movies are shot and edited in 2021. Pre-filmed movie footage and the ability of animated media to be produced remotely helped the entertainment industry peter along through the…
Boy, I wish I had a Club Office
By Madeline Perez “This is why only fools are heroes,” Harvey Stenger taunted. He stood atop the Binghamton University Clocktower as I started to climb. In one hand, he held a wire suspending a dark green campus shuttle. In the other, he held our Bing Review EIC, Matt Gagliano, aloft by his neck. His mechanical, green, goblin-like suit gave him superhuman strength and augmented his evil nature. The night breeze tossed my little gay windbreaker…
Do You Want a New Hobby? Check This Out!
By nitrodude359 Are you often bored? Do you want to go outside more? Well, this hobby is for you! It’s Nitro cars; remote controlled (RC) cars that are powered by a tiny engine (usually between a 0.12 to a 0.18 cubic inches). These engines are very powerful and efficient for their size, and can make your RC cars go up to 65 miles per hour! Sadly, for the last few years electric RCs have been…
I Hate Elevators
Evelyn Medina Today marks the longest period of time I have gone without having dreamed of falling to my death. I think these dreams began when I was starting high school. Multiple times a month, I have dreams of falling. On average, I would say I dream about falling every one to two weeks, and this manifests in many different forms. Sometimes, I dream I am falling down stairs. Sometimes I am launched into the…
From Super Bass to Super Based: the Tale of Ballgate
By Joe Badalamenti Someone “pound the alarm”, because there was just a case of delicious internet beef. Around a month ago, celebrity musician Nicki Minaj caught the attention of the mainstream media from a series of “super based” tweets. While Nicki has been known for her aggressive style of tweeting, her recent controversy has pulled her into the depraved realm of politics. Has Nicki discovered the key to Internet fame? Or is this just another…
Bringing in the Reins: The Biden Administration Is Horsing Around
Julius Apostata Does anyone remember the movie 2012, the apocalyptic flick starring Woody Harrelson and depicting the end of the world? I certainly do, though personally, I have always found the whole “apocalypse” genre a bit silly. When I, as a somewhat cynical teen, heard the Mayans said the world would end in 2012, I laughed it off. Clearly, I thought, what were the odds that, within a year, humanity as we know it would…