By Tom Casey Once an icon in the Old Marketplace, Taco Bell will return to campus in glorious fashion. The popular restaurant chain will replace Holy Habaneros as the primary source of Tex-Mex food in the New Union. Sodexo and Campus Facilities jointly announced the— I’m lying. According to all available public information, Taco Bell is not coming back to campus. I lied. Here, I have the graces to immediately admit my fib. Over the…
ABCs of Binghamton
Alright – Many of the things at Binghamton are ‘Alright’. “How was the food?” “Not great, alright I guess.” Breaks – Just like a middle school dance, Binghamton’s break schedule is awkward and isolated. You’ll be home longer than your friends, and won’t be able to go on spring break with them. Cafe – Yeah, you know that cafe in the marketplace? It’s not actually a Starbucks; it’s Sodexo. Disappointment – A feeling you…
Downtown Abbey
By Thomas Casey Binghamton University, in what can only be the early onset of a midlife crisis, bought a castle in Broome County. From February 1864 to 1993, the castle served as the New York State Inebriate Asylum and the Binghamton Asylum for the Chronic Insane. Administrators everywhere are bracing for the inevitable onslaught of jokes like “Isn’t that BU campus crazy enough!” and “Well, now SUNY has two inebriate asylums near Binghamton, New…
Why We Need A More Militarized Thought Police
By Luke Kusick Ever since Executive Order 7248 passed at the beginning of President Obama’s third term, Americans have become accustomed to Thought Police monitoring all of us. Secret abductions, trials where one is guilty until proven innocent and dangerous thoughts such as tax cuts, freedom of speech and the right to bare arms resulting in the execution of people have skyrocketed. In this new glorious Utopia, we have seen that the Thought Police’s tactics…
Why Peace in Israel is Impossible Today
By Dan Milyavsky Israel held parliamentary elections on March 17, and Netanyahu’s conservative Likud Party won big. Polling before the election was predicting either a win for the Zionist Union, which was a center left coalition, or a tie between Likud and the Zionist Union. Netanyahu seems to have gotten nervous, and before the elections, he made two significant controversial statements on the eve of the election. First, he said that there will be no two…
Binghamton: an Ivy at Last
It’s been several months now since Binghamton has replaced Cornell as a member of the prestigious Ivy League and things have been just peachy. Cornell, which was kicked out of the Ivy League after the well known escaped laboratory chimpanzee incident (the horrific details which I won’t delve into lest the all-seeing thought police knock down my door) isnt doing too well though.Since our glorious leader Barack Obama signed the executive order to make college…
March Madness!
This year the Binghamton Bearcats snuck into the NCAA tournament for the first time since the classic basketball scandal of 2009-2010, when academic and character integrity of players was compromised in order to become a more competitive Division 1 team. Of course, with this year’s tournament being the first since the new NCAA policy regarding players, this truly was set to be March Madness. As much as I wanted to pick my beloved Bearcats as…
2016 Presidential Election Update
By Sean Glendon Another four years of Barack Hussein Obama. Jesus fucking Christ. How did we get here? What happened to the 22nd Amendment and the sanctity of the Constitution? I guess it comes down to some ridiculous judicial interpretation and an apathetic and clueless populous. Let’s recap. Republican nominee Rand Paul easily made his way past the rest of the Republican field to gain the nomination. The right quickly decided they were done with…
Congressman Stenger and the Fall of Students for Change
By Sean Glendon After establishing himself as a results-oriented leader with the ability to create positive change during his tenure at Binghamton University, Harvey Stenger decided to set his sights on a stage where he could create an even larger difference: the United States Congress. While the value of his Cornell degree may have decreased with the annulment of the school’s Ivy League status, the honorary degree that he was granted by Binghamton University after…
My First Hot Yoga Experience
By Sam Bondy I drink, so this semester, I decided that as a panacea for my ailing-liver, I would endeavor to try hot, holistic, hipsteric yoga. Catharsis. Or so I thought. As I entered “Yoga Body Shop” (the old place for all you noobies), near Wegmans, I felt terrified, like going to the doctor for a shot kind of terrified. I was with my good friend, Jake, a three-year yogic veteran, as if I wouldn’t look…
ABC’s
Asbestos- It’s everywhere! Breaking Bad- Sometimes, being a student at Binghamton can drive you so crazy that you almost want to drive out into the desert and start cooking meth. Judging by the way a lot of the townies look, you may very well have a pretty avid customer base here! Chipotle- Welcome to the first world Binghamton! We finally have a few places to eat around here that make Binghamton feel like a normal…