By: Midas Leung When I was growing up, my parents decided that it would be in their best interest to speak Cantonese the whole time to their kid, that being me, his entire childhood. Luckily, it would not have any long-lasting effects. But, in the short term, the kid was socially inept and unable to communicate nor speak outside of short phrases. Being different from everyone else was not really an issue: I always managed…
I Fell in Love with a SEX ROBOT??? (clickbait)
By Madeline Perez The year was 2016. As I found myself preoccupied with schoolbooks and the weight of being a misunderstood hot-topic-themed teen genius, my friends were also preoccupied with what I would call lesser trivialities—namely, a new mobile game called Mystic Messenger. Yes, the very one and same South Korean dating simulation game. Opting to take one last shot at conformity, I was peer pressured into downloading it, and for the next few weeks…
The Demographic Crisis of Monster Musume
By Edward Lamarck Valentine’s Day is celebrated primarily by those with a romantic partner. For the lonesome few left behind this season, some comfort can be found in the genre of harem anime, a staple of modern Japanese television. From High School DxD to the more infamous School Days, the tropes are generally the same: an average-looking young Japanese male suddenly finds himself at the center of a harem with beautiful (sometimes magical) women all…
The Moby Dick Experience
By: John M. Moby Dick, it’s the American Epic: a 600+ page monster considered one of the greatest works of our young nation’s literature. Last year, I spotted the leviathan lurking in the depths of my American Romanticism syllabus, and “proud as Lucifer,” I committed myself to reading it (mostly so that I might brag about the conquest to reinforce my fragile egoistic identity, but this is beside the point). In my near infinite wisdom…
How to Get Laid on Valentine’s Day
By Matt Gagliano Hey, you! Yeah, you; the submissive-looking one reading this. Are you lonely? (This question is rhetorical, of course, as you are reading Binghamton Review.) Do you want something to get the blood pumping this Valentine’s Day (specifically in the penile region)? Well, look no further. I, Matt Gagliano, known sex-haver and “love” “expert,” am here to provide you with a very simple three-step guide that’s GUARANTEED to get you laid on February…
Accounts from a Gen Z Male in 2028 – Part III
By Anonoomer Our hero faces his greatest struggle yet: surrounded in his unit’s Ukrainian bunker by a battalion of Russian zoomers, and constantly being stalked by a supernatural animatronic wolf, he must battle in his very body and soul against starvation and despair. For real… Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick… … … Tock. Like maddening drips of water from a Chinese torture instrument upon my brow, the barricaded mess hall’s clock inconsistently ticked…
TDS: Types I and II
By Arthur O’Sullivan Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS for short) can be broadly defined as an acute hysterical reaction—be it psychological, physical, or even spiritual—to the words, actions, presidency, and existence of the former president Donald J. Trump. This phenomenon is not necessarily unique to the Orange Man: presidential derangement syndromes have been diagnosed as far back as the Elizabethan era of 2003, when the late psychiatrist and neoconservative pundit Charles Krauthammer coined the term “Bush…
An AI Totally Didn’t Write This
Once upon a time, the board of the Binghamton Review magazine was in a heated debate over the contents of their next issue. Madeline, the editor in chief, wanted to feature articles on the benefits of universal healthcare and the importance of intersectionality. Dillon, the managing editor, was all for it, but only when he had his beard. Without it, he became a completely different person, who was all for cutting government spending and reducing…
New Year, New me.
By M. Quinn In 2023 I am going to be unrecognizable. Clean break. Here’s my plan. 1. I am going to sleep in the gym so that my body learns how to work out for eight hours at a time. In two weeks, I’ll be able to lift 500 pounds without breaking a sweat. I hate the legs that carried me through last year. The clock struck midnight, which means it’s time to exercise more. …
“This War is Different”
By Thomas Pound It was a cold fall morning when I arrived at a sleepy suburb of Binghamton, NY to meet anti-war advocate Corey Pith. Outside his front porch blew a US flag with the field of stars in the canton replaced with a peace sign. The story goes that when he initially flew the flag, the town’s Homeowners Association demanded he take it down. He valiantly refused and weathered the storm in order to…
Politics are Fucked
By I Hate Dale I’m tired of constantly pulling up Instagram to look at some big titty hoes and seeing that purple circle around the profile picture of some loser I went to high school with, and it’s another copy-paste on why their political opinion is superior to someone else’s. Not only does this interrupt the stories of the people I want to see (the big booty bitches), but honestly it’s sad to see someone…
The Gift of the Bearcat
By O. Crap One thousand BUC$ and eighty-seven cents. That was all. And sixty cents of it was in pennies. Pennies saved one and two at a time by bulldozing the grocer and the vegetable man and the butcher until one’s cheeks burned with the silent imputation of the bulldozer that killed them. Three times Harvey counted it. One thousand and eighty-seven BUC$. And the next day would be Christmas. There was clearly nothing to…
I Don’t Care about Your Spotify Wrapped
By Our Staff I’ve spent the last twelve months plotting my revenge. Last year I got endlessly bullied for my “cringe” Spotify Wrapped. At 100 Gecs they winced; at Three Doors Down they gaffed; at Maroon 5 they chortled. Ever since, I’ve had nothing in the gleam of my eye besides violent overthrow. Everyday I curated my tastes to the highest degree of refined culture; over one hundred years of recorded music at my fingertips.…
Should Everyone Vote?
By Arthur O’Sullivan Much like that time when I slept with my girlfriend’s twin, I have two important questions: Should everyone have the right to vote? Should each person with the right to vote do so? As confused as the Smith sisters were when I asked them last March, I am nevertheless confident that these questions are essential to the proper functioning of our American democracy. In case you haven’t noticed, we had an election…
A Thanksgiving Recipe to Make Your Wife Leave You
By Martha Stewart’s Tax Accountant I didn’t have an easy life growing up. I didn’t have an easy life shrinking down. The days, weeks, months, years, decades, and half-century of my life have been filled with execrable excretions of the devil into my outstretched hands. When I was born, the doctor said, “Well Miss Bloom, I tried my best, but he came out alive!” When I was growing up, my dog tried to put me…