By Xanax Anaximander Felicitations, fellow felosofers, it is me, the sophisticated sophist Xanax Anaximander of Anaximander et nil., 2021, fame; since i proved in Anaximander et nil., 2021, that I’m Right and Your’e Wrong (Anaximander et nil., 2021), much has happened in my academic career—after the bigot Sean Harrigan personally took it upon themself (I do not know their gender for sure, hence my use of the plural singular they, in order to counteract the…
Sad Tire
by Leftus Turnus It’s that time of year again, the time of year when we all remind ourselves of all those sad, abused tires. Typically, these reminders come about while watching TV, when those black and white commercials show tires being beaten, abused, and not properly maintained by their owners while some famous celebrity tries to guilt you out of your hard-earned money over a sad backing track. Man, I hate those commercials, like why…
Harvey Doesn’t real
By Gregory Gardenhose IV For the past 6 years, our democracy has been in peril by the forces of evil. Among these forces is misinformation spread by white supremacists and neo-N*zis. You are doing a good deed by exposing yourself to our unbiased and reputable news written by me, a certified expert in news and information. As you know, misinformation has run rampant not only across this college campus but all throughout the continental United…
Help! I’ve been kidnapped by the Binghamton Review!
By Madeline Perez I remember. It was a chilly autumn night when I was first attacked. Walking back from Binghamton University’s West Gym, I reeked of chlorine and resembled a drowned rat. I often wondered why the swim club decided to run practices until 11 PM. Back then, it was best not to question things. My flip-flops flip-flopped like the independent percussionists they were, repeatedly hitting the pavement like one would hit a disobedient wife…
Rising Gas Prices Are Actually a Good Thing
By Gatt Magliano Whether you yourself drive or you’ve simply heard non-stop complaining from those in your life who do, you most likely know by now that gas prices are skyrocketing. From hovering around $2 per gallon just a few years ago to $4.39 per gallon just a few days ago, many are disgruntled about having to fork over their life savings for just a few poots of gasoline. I’ve been affected myself, looking at…
We Need World War III, NOW!
By Mirder O. Crows I have something that I’ve been thinking about for a while now, and it desperately needs to be said: we don’t WANT a World War III. “Wanting” implies that it is probably unnecessary, and something that could be postponed until the time is right. No, we don’t “want” World War III; we absolutely NEED World War III! This has been the long-awaited sequel to human catastrophe that has been riling up…
The Death of Comedy: Tucker Carlson and the Green M&M
By Heart Oh-So-Lovin’ Welp, it happened. According to the libsTM, Tucker (you can’t cuck the Tuck, unless you’re Russia) Carlson posted cringe? Apparently—get this—he talked about the M&M redesign. Boy, I sure am glad that EVERY left-wing news outlet, commentator, and “comedian” is here to inform me that yes indeed, the old T.C. called the “inclusively-redesigned” M&M’s “less sexy.” My, what risible fun it is to laugh at tCarly with all of my favorites, The…
Sleeping With Your Clone: Is It Ethical?
By Matt Gagliano Let me tell you a story, a tragic story of a man who just wanted to come up with a good idea for an article to write for Binghamton Review’s Sex Issue. As you may have guessed at this point, that man was me. For many days I laid awake at night, haunted by my inability to come up with any ideas for my next masterpiece (also maybe the chronic insomnia?). I…
The Pipeline of Perversion
By Mister B Howdy losers, welcome to the most degenerate issue of the year: the “S*x issue.” While the other writers are content with talking about sex, or the Green M&M, or how how they got laid in the dining halls at 5AM, I, Mister B , am here to continue the great legacy of Binghamton Review by pointing out degeneracy in defense of the traditional values that made this country great. There are, of…
Jesus’ Size is Je-SUS
By Matt Gagliano Welcome back, everyone! I don’t know about the rest of you, but I for one am so relieved to finally be back in Binghamton. Winter break was nice, but after over a month, I was kind of getting sick of doing literally nothing all day, because realistically, what is there left to do after the holidays are over? You just sit at home, thinking about how great Christmas was for several weeks,…
The Left has an Education Problem
By Anonymous At this point, it has become common knowledge that education systems are essentially a new form of indoctrination. Ranging from colleges to elementary schools, America’s children are being fed bullshit by schools from when they can walk. And I’m here to say, that’s wrong. Not morally, but rather there is a more effective way of achieving this same goal. While children are more susceptible to trusting much of what an authority figure (like…
Anonymous Poem We Found on the Floor
By The Joker? I’m a lot like the Joker. To me, it seems I’m tied up in strings of cringe American dreams I don’t like college, I don’t want a career I’m losing at Mario Kart and I hate it here I get so worried I pull out my hair I attract your girlfriend with my sigma stare The impermanence of everything weighs me down It slips through my fingers I grasp at the ground…
Cardinal Sins and the Chocolate Factory
By Madeline Perez Good morning starshine, I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess you’ve seen the cult classic “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” or even, for you old people, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” If not, stop reading this right now. I’m not going to be the one to expose you to the horrors of the chocolate factory before you’re ready, but if one day you happen to see either…
The Sixth Night at Freddy (a parody)
By Scarthur Ole’Sole Ivan The following is the final entry in the journal of Arthur Gothicus Bloodedgeicus Mychemicalromancia Afton, nephew of serial murderer William Afton, who had taken a job as a night-shift security guard at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria after the sudden departure of the previous employee, who had only worked there for five nights… “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Such were the sounds that I had heard upon turning on the phone in the security office. Supposedly, this…
Joe Wrote a Creepypasta While Jon was at the Gym
Joe Badalamenti 65 Baxter Drive, the rumored haunted mansion of Harvey Spooker. Some say that he is the spirit of Harvey Stegner’s long-lost brother. Others say that he’s an alien conducting experiments under the guise of a familiar being. Year after year, many would venture into the mansion, only to meet a grim fate… by that I mean death! To my knowledge, I am the only one to have survived the mansion. This is my…