By Matt Gagliano Binghamton University has had a crazy year. With everything that has happened during these last two semesters, things on campus just seem to be getting worse and worse. Lucky for you, I’m here to discuss a surefire way to solve the biggest problem facing Binghamton University today. What is that problem you ask? No, it’s not the rising tensions between political organizations on campus. No, it’s not the recent closing of the…
100 Things to Do While in Self-Quarantine
By Our Staff Post communist propaganda on Tumblr Catch up on reading Marx Simp your favorite e-girl Complain about Donald Trump on Twitter Pretend to pay attention to your professor’s Zoom lectures Cry Sleep on your mountain of hoarded hand sanitizer Stan Alexandria-Ocasio Cortez Finish writing your intersectional LGBTQAAIP2+ Five Nights at Freddy’s fan fiction Nothing Something Watch CNN Screech about how the world is ending Use Binghamton Review as toilet paper, since you can’t…
The Myth of Economics
By Pyotr Kropotkin I am the best person I know. I vote Democrat. I make anti-capitalist memes and post them to my private Blogspot account. I upvote socialist posts on Reddit dot com. I’ve even donated some of my dad’s money to the Chapo Trap House podcast. Therefore, I have earned every minute of self-indulgent moral superiority that I have felt. But alas, despite the constant reminders I’ve graciously given to all of my fellow…
COVID-19: Why We Need More Authoritarianism
By Comrade Kevin COVID-19, also referred to as the novel coronavirus, has severely wrecked political, economic, and social life across the United States over the past three or so weeks. Businesses across the country have shut their doors, sports leagues have suspended play, and, as of press time, the Dow Jones Industrial Average has lost about a third of its points.. Many feel that the next few months will be bleak, and with good reason,…
The Lizard People of Binghamton
By Jonah Alexander Hello readers of Binghamton REEEEEEEEE. I am Jonah Alexander, professional journalist at The Culture War Today. After a long day of taking male vitality pills, collecting rainwater, purifying the air from chemtrails, and building a doomsday bunker for the inevitable deep state coup, I have made a shocking discovery—the lizard people have invaded Binghamton University. Now you may think to yourself, “Lizard people? What’s next, is he going to try to tell…
Right Wing Bad
By Comrade Kevin If there is one thing I took away from my semester and a half on campus at Binghamton University it’s just how hateful, racist, and horrible the political right is. I was, regretfully, a conservative in High School, and admired the likes of Ben Shapiro, Donald Trump, and even Alex Jones. Thankfully, since coming to Binghamton, I have instead come to adore some of the most accomplished people in the United States:…
STOP BEING SO MEAN TO US!
By Alleged Pipe Dream Editor It has come to our attention that Binghamton Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeee is allowing us to have a platform so we can address an issue that everyone is thinking about: those rude, cool, kids at THE Binghamton Review! Here is our chance to CLAP BACK! Let us start by saying that YOU GUYS ARE BIG DUMB POOPOO HEADS! Why is it that you guys have to constantly take our op-eds and rebut our…
New Clause Found in Constitution
By Tommy Gagliano On March 15th, 2020, historian Richard Head made a shocking discovery that will change the course of American politics forever. While analyzing the original draft of the Constitution to find evidence to support his position that government-mandated gamer girl GFs are constitutional, Mr. Head instead found a hidden clause, never before seen by anyone but the Framers themselves. The secret clause is located at the end of the document, after Article VI,…
Losing Your Headphones
By Harold Rook Hello, comrades! After reading a LOT of Krompkin and Marx, watching popular BreadTube channels, and eating some weird paint chips that fell from the ceiling of a condemned building near my house, I have decided to become a part of Antifa. After mingling with fellow leftist revolutionaries in a Starbucks and determining what flavor I should make my soy latte, we put on our black clothes and took to the streets, protesting…
Free of Charge: Apply for a VictimCard™ Today!
By Mirder O. Crows Why hello there! Tell me: are you sick of the typical uninspired brick-for-brack quote pertaining to the value of individualism? Do you feel victimized on a daily basis based on what you perceive as “microaggressions”? Do you need to subvert logical arguments and criticism from opponents in order to emphasize your subjective experience, shutting down any form of debate? Well look no further! I, Mirder O. Crows, come here to tell…
Mass Shootings Banned
By Harley Stinger In a courageous move last Wednesday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi decided enough is enough and signed an executive order banning mass shootings nationwide. Speaker Pelosi has been fighting to end mass shooting for years but she finally said, “fine, I’ll do it myself” and snapped, just like Thanos with the infinity stones, initiating the ban. Upon hearing of the ban, many future mass shooters were outraged. “I thought this was a free…
What if Naughty Kids Want Coal?
“[I]f a child unironically wants coal, he or she is probably some country hick in the middle of bumfuck, nowhere”
The Moth Within Us
By Anonymous I find it necessary to write this piece because of all of the bullshit and hatred that has been spreading among the campus in regards to the Mothman. I’m going to try to keep this professional, but if I’m being honest, the recent slanderous hit piece titled “The Mothman Menace” was the straw that broke the moth’s wings. After all the progress this world has made, I can’t help but be furious…
The Mothman Menace
By Matt Gagliano Three Binghamton University students went missing last week after going to the nature preserve in hopes of finding a creature they refer to as “the Mothman.” The Mothman is described as a creature that is half moth, half man. Some argue that he is actually half man, half moth, but we don’t associate with those people. Supposedly, several Binghamton students have reported seeing the Mothman recently, despite that fact that the…
Top 5 Creepy Pastas
By Sebastian Roman Lasagne In addition to being impossible to spell, why does it have so many layers? Why does it need so many layers? It’s clearly hiding something, but what is it? The fact that this pasta is so mysterious and obscure makes it unsettling. Mac & Cheese Who is Mac, and why would you want to eat him and his cheese? And why are they never separate, why is…